Thursday, November 29, 2007

Voodoo Zombies (Ha! Suck it non-believers!)

Hello all!

Welcome to our next installment!
A few of you have contacted us via. email stating that, while high comedy, something like an undead uprising doesn't seem possible and could never happen.

To this we say:
Hello??! George Bush Jr. got elected for a second term!

Why would zombies rising to consume the living be any less possible??? Hell, we wouldn't blame any of you if you were waiting for the vampire overlords of the 27th dimension to come down in their crimson spaceships and make you the rulers of the South American, horny toads, after that one...


Now, you all know... Or at least, we HOPE you all know about the zombies that eat human flesh, don't feel pain and would prob'ly bring about the end of civilization as we know it, BUT!

Did you know that's not the only kind of zombie?
There's a second type. The Voodoo Zombie.
This zombie is basically a brain damaged human. They still feel pain. They need to rest, Sometimes depending on the amount of trauma suffered, they are still able to communicate of a basic level. Not long conversations, more like garbled single word answers or grunts.

Here's a link to an article with some of the info one of the pioneer researchers of the "Haitian Zombie Powder", Dr. Wade Davis, discovered.


Haitian Zombie Powder


IF you think this isn't on the up-and-up, access Google and search "Zombie Powder" for yourself!

Until next time, keep your Guinness cold, your crowbar handy, and if your tree-monkey pulls a "Lassie" wanting you to head for the hills, grab your bike and bug-out!



Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Hats off to Max (credit where credit is due...)

Alright!

This month, we've seen a marked decline in ninja activity here in the wilds of Ohio. Since we have a break, the three of us thought we'd give a big congrats and heart felt, thank you from the bottom of our hearts to the pioneer of the zombie awareness movement, the esteemed Mr. Max Brooks.

With the success of his ground breaking "The Zombie Survival Guide" , Max provided the world with the means to "organize before they rise!" Believe us, the pajama-wearing fairies are still seeking a way to bend the hordes of walking dead to their will attempting to augment their plans for global domination with the "perfect" killer. The problem is, even the sneakiest shadow-sissy doesn't understand just how dangerous even ONE zombie is. One becomes two, those two become ten and those ten become the beginning of the end for mankind.

If you haven't had a chance to get yourself a copy of "The Guide" yet, we have to ask...

WHY THE HELL NOT??!
What are you waiting for?
Someone to hold your hand and buy you one you lazy, poop-eating, ninja-suck up?
Maybe you'd like someone to powder your bum and make you a cookie while they're at it???
Get up off your lazy keester, walk it down to your local bookstore or get online and get yourself one, stupid!

Or don't. End up with your brain eaten. See if we care.
We plan on eating steak, drinking Guinness and making sweet, monkey nookie until we're all over 80 ourselves. And since we all have "The Guide" we're prepared to do it.

It's your choice.
Be ready, or be zombie-chow!

Until next time, keep you Guinness cold, your crow-bar handy and if your tree monkey heads for the hills...well, grab your 30 odd six and stay alert!


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Mother Nature may do what the ninja can't...

Hello all!

Here's a little bit of a heads up.
According to news reports, the Avian Flu has mutated and is now easier to pass from human to human. One of the things protecting the human race was the fact that it was difficult to catch.

BUT.

With this type of mutation, it is (so the report states) easier to contract and develops more readily in the nose and throat.

Don't take our word for it, check out the report for yourself!!!

You may think this is just more doom-saying, but don't get us wrong. We're not telling you to move to the Wilds of Canada and start living like a recluse or anything (the ninja are to thick up there anyway...), however, it never hurts to be prepared. Practicing the "ostrich method" (sticking your head in the sand and hoping it goes away) won't help if things go the way health organizations around the world are trying to prepare for (and warning against!). If as many people as they predict contract this flu strain, it will kill millions.

Let us repeat. IT WILL KILL MILLIONS.

Think we're exaggerating?
Well.
Maybe we are. (Believe that if it helps you sleep at night...)
Maybe THAT'S why a hospital here in the wilds of Ohio has FOUR TRACTOR TRAILERS waiting to haul away the bodies.
This is not a joke. They really do have (and come to find out, they've had them ready for months!!!) four tractor trailers ready and waiting to haul away the massive amounts of dead people they fear this strain of Avian Flu will kill.
Nice, huh?!?
But then, we're exaggerating right?
Yeah. That's it...


Over the coming weeks, we're going to post a list of things you may want to acquire (just in case) for if the pandemic does go the way they think it may. We're talking the basics here people. Things you'll need to stay alive. Think about it. If that many people contract the flu, how many of them are going to be at work? What about when all those people die? How many of the utilities (gas, electricity, WATER???) are going to be up and running? You may very well have to pull a Man vs. Wild or a Survivor Man.
But for one hell of a lot longer than seven stinking days...

Now here's the thing:
DO NOT GO OUT AND BLOW YOUR MONEY BUYING CRAP YOU WILL NOT NEED.

The newest running shoe may look cool, but a pair of basic work boots with good arch support would serve you better. A new camp cooler may keep your beer cold, but you can carry a full canteen for water without killing yourself. A gas grill may be great, but a magnesium fire strike-starter fits in your pocket.

Over the last couple of months, we've been searching for the most affordable/durable items you might need. We'll post our findings within the next week or two so you can all check the items out for yourselves. We won't be posting any brand names, just the items themselves.

Until then have your Guinness frosty cold, your eyes open and keep your tree monkey away from any coughing birds!!!

Friday, October 19, 2007

That's right... We're ready for the undead uprising!

Here's a quick link for you all to test you knowledge of the walking dead!


NerdTests.com User Test: The Zombie Survival Test.


Don't laugh! The shadow-wussies have long sought a way to make walking weapons out of the undead scourge! Thankfully, there is no way to domesticate, communicate with or train a zombie. So, strangely enough, many of the mask-wearing sissies have been "nullified" by mankind's worst enemy! The unfortunate side of this is that if the newly "nullified" ninja dogs aren't put down QUICK , just like any other Zack (zombie) they start stumbling around trying to feed!

So. If confronted by one of the undead who's wearing a balaclava and black pajamas:

1-Thank him/her quickly from a safe distance.

2-Get a good grip on your crowbar.

3-Cave that undead butt-head's melon in!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Gaijin Punk Handbook (post 3)




-Hello all!

-Welcome to the next installment of the “Gaijin Punk Handbook”.
In this post, we’ll cover some of the basic abilities you’ll need to develop, now that you’ve all taken the first steps on the road to becoming a member of the Gaijin Punk family.

-Here we go!!!

We know, we know. You’re all dying to run out and confront the pajama wearing fairies (ninja) right away, but take the time you need to attain these skills BEFORE you hop into the mix. (Take it from us,.) These are the bare bones that you need. We’ll get into the more advanced skills in future posts, but concentrate on these first!!! You’ll have fewer scars and your wallet will be much thicker because you won’t have all the expensive, unpleasant hospital stays to pay for...

-Skill One -Observation

Reason/Need-Ninja are sneaky little turd-mongers!
You better believe if you don’t have your eyes open, that if you’re not aware of your surroundings, you’re going to catch a blow-dart in the bung-hole!
You need to know:

1-Where the ninja like to group.

2-How many of them are there at the moment.

3-What are your resources.
-i.e. -supplies if any.
-location-in case you’ve underestimated their numbers and need to make a quick exit.
-the abilities of your fellow members-where you’re weak they should be strong. A well rounded group has a better chance of not screwing the pooch.

4-Where your “wingmen/wingwomen” are.
(NEVER, NEVER, NEVERNEVERNEVER try to confront them alone unless you’ve had a heck of a lot of practice first. Hawk and I have been at this for about four years, we’ve learned the hard way, “If you see one ninja, there are at least two more you don’t see.”)
Have at least one other member watching your back. If possible have a third watching theirs! Ninja are a cowardly lot and will run in packs of 3-9 when working their wicked schemes. Under no circumstance should you attempt direct confrontation alone. Doing so WILL result in one of three things:
1-a butt kicking.
2-your disappearance.
(Into a shallow ditch, a nearby sweatshop or some French-Canadian brothel where they think “you’ve got a perdy mouth”.
3-Your conversion into an agent of the evil ninja empire.
(Ninja are very adept at torture and brainwashing techniques. Such as tying you to a chair and making you listen to Iranian, bubble-gum, pop music while feeding you pickled beet and liver flavored ice cream.)

-Skill Two- Free association

Many times you’ll be caught without supplies or a support base where you can store anything you may need, so you will have to think on your feet. More often then not, the simplest objects can be used to save your ass.

Take for instance, a nacho chip.
(One of the triangular ones, not the useless circles. )

Don’t laugh stupid! If you throw one of those suckers like your flipping a playing card across the room, whoever your aiming for is going to duck! (For legal reasons, our lawyers tell us we have to, at this point, state that in no way do we condone throwing food at anyone’s face or body in general. Unless your throwing pudding at an exotic dancer... A hot one... Not the moo-moo of the “gentleman’s club”.)
This knee-jerk reaction on their part will give you a second or two to:
1- Close the distance between the two of you or

2-Take your front foot and use it to kick an oh-so-delicate part of their anatomy, causing yet another second or two for you to determine your next move or

3-Engage in the better part of valor if there are more then one of the pajama wearing sissies still upright and you don’t have any backup. (While you may not want to take this route, thinking that “real punks don’t run” we ask that you remember the afore-mentioned hospital visits and make your choice accordingly...)

-Skill Three - Adaptability

Unfortunately, this gig is not as simple as it looks.

VERY seldom, will you just run across a pack of these sissies, out and about at random, twirling their chop sticks (heh-heh), leaping from roof top to roof top without rhyme or reason looking for a fight. (Not saying it DOESN’T happen, just that it doesn’t happen OFTEN.)

More often than not, you won’t even realize the person you’re having the conversation with is a ass-sassin, until the goofy shit tries to recruit you into the evil empire.

Do not, we repeat, DO NOT FLIP OUT AND BEAT THEM SENSELESS! No mater how attractive that may seem at that moment, all that will do is get you a criminal record because you through the first punch. Take this opportunity instead, to glean as much information about the activities this poisoned-dart-flinging, butt-muncher is involved in for later review and use.
Then beg off, going to their weekly/bi-weekly, hate monger meeting because you “have to go pick your mom/dad/brother/sister/friend up at the dentist, and won’t be free until very late”.
This will enable you to remain free to not have your mind twisted by a truly pathetic, and socially skewered system of beliefs, but also keeps you in the loop as to what the honorless, ninja dogs are planning down the line.

Alright everyone, as promised, here’s our first Q&A section!

(For legal reasons, names or locations may have been changed to protect the innocent and stymie the guilty.)

Question from Paul in Chi-town:

Dear G-Punks,

What are the things I need to start watching Ninja activity in my neighborhood?

Answer:

Dear Paul,

Forget hi-tech electronics, forget binoculars, spy microphones out the window and all of that stuff. It’s all nice to have, but not really needed.

The first things you want to get are:
1- a pack of plastic point ink pens ( ball-points clog or run out at crappy times...)
2-a simple paper notebook or journal. (pocket or tabletop, doesn’t matter.)

Record activities around your home, look for patterns. Look for CHANGES in those patterns ,once you’ve established when certain things happen in the streets around you. Start with a square with your house at the center . Now walk one block, starting each time at your house, in all 4 directions. This will give you a four block square. ( Remember you have to walk the outside of the square as well! So each day you’ll be walking about 12 blocks all in all. This sounds like a lot but it can be done in just under an hour. Unless your towns/city’s blocks are flippin’ huge then cut your grid down to about a thousand yards on each side. That’s only about 300 steps so don’t whine.
After at least two weeks of observation, you’ll have a general idea of what happens or is supposed to happen during your ob-time.

That’s all for this week everyone!

Until next time, stay alert, keep your Guinness cold and listen if your tree-monkey is flipping out at three in the morning...
There could be a ninja at the window!

Monday, August 13, 2007

THE GAIJIN PUNK HANDBOOK (part two)

-Hello again, from the wilds of Ohio!
Due to an overwhelming response to part one of “The Gaijin Punk Handbook”, we’re going ahead with new postings!
In this section we’re going to cover something that, until now, we couldn’t reveal. Due to current events and changes in policy within various organizations, this information is finally going to see the light of day!

-HERE WE GO!-

In the previous post, we let you in on one of the best kept secrets in the world. That it’s actually ninja and “wanna-be” ninja that are actually the source of most of the pain, strife and suffering in the long and torrid history of modern man.

The definition of ninja is literally “unseen assassin”. In past times, yes they did wear silly looking pajamas, wield swords, fling throwing stars and kill via contract for whoever had enough wealth to purchase their brutal brand of services. The modern ninja however, isn’t dependent on just the simple weapons of their predecessors. Just as time has continued it’s unending advance, so have the tools and methods used by these pajama wearing dirt-balls become more modern. You’d better believe, just like any of you, ninja and their minions will use: firearms, electronics, explosives and any other tool they can get their hands on.

But here’s something the shadow sissies don’t want you to know.

There are actually two branches of ninja.

One is the kind you all know about. You know. Backstabbing, two-faced, lying, cheating, cowardly, namby-pamby, self-centered, douche-cake eating bungholes, who wouldn’t know what a moral was if someone slapped them upside the head with one and said ,“Look. This is a moral.”

The other branch isn’t nearly as well know as the kind the movies have glorified.
Believe it or not, there is a sect of those who practice the way of the ninja who care deeply about what happens in the world around them. Unlike their counterparts (those French-Canadian lurkers in the north. We know who you are..), they use their abilities to promote harmony, not to create pain and discord. In the last few months various members of this sect have provided, not only ironclad proof of their actions, but also given aid to newbie members of the Gaijin Punk family they’ve encountered at random. Those of you who were given benefit from the sudden and unexpected aid of these individuals, please hold to your agreement to protect their identities and keep your pie-holes shut. Unlike the Gaijin Punks they’re not ready to go public and have to work in secret (sometimes behind enemy lines, no less).

Now, some of you might be saying “That’s BULL$#!%!!! How can you be sure they’re not just setting you up??! Ninja are ninja!!!” Believe you us... There is no-o-o-o-o-o-o way that is the case. These people have been fighting their snail-eating, canuck cousins for a lot longer than the Gaijin Punks have. There’s some serious bad blood between the clans, lemme tell ya’.

Also, there have been a boatload of requests for a Q&A section. So, beginning next week, David, Hawk, Tia and Myself will reply to posts submitted by our members, newbies, potentials, and even the yet-to-be-convinced.

Note - David has gone on reserve status and has accepted an assistant professorship position in the mid-west. He’ll still be acting in the interests of the Gaijin Punk family, but his role will be more support and information based.

This is per his choice after the UTTER SPECTACLE caused in the downtown area, when Hawk convinced us to follow a pack of the balaclava-sporting, turd mongers back to their training academy below “Little Wang’s -House of Song and Sushi”.

The smoking, wreckage filled crater that resulted, was caused by the poor judgement of said turd-mongers and their use of an outdated self-destruct system that hadn’t been given a safety inspection (it seemed) since the start of the cold war. It was NOT caused by Hawk’s pea-brained taunting of David’s long-tailed, tree monkey Mr. Chibly. At no time did Hawk pull a BONEHEAD move and piss Mr. Chibly off causing said monkey to hit the big, bright, shiny, red, self-destruct button ,nearly killing the lot of us...

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

In the next posting, we’ll cover some of the basics you will need to use when you begin to actively observe your area for “ninja” activity.

Until next time, keep your eyes open, your Guinness close and if your tree monkey starts to jump around with an angry expression, watch out for flying poo...!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Gaijin Punk Handbook

-Intro and first bits

Alright, just to get everyone up to speed, I'll go over the basics. Here are a couple of the most important points from "The Gaijin Punk Handbook". I'll post once a week for a while so you all can have time to absorb and begin to apply the information in your day too day experiences.


ONE. What is a ninja?


-Contrary to popular belief, ninja are the cause of all pain ,suffering and strife upon the planet. If you don't believe me, let's take a look at one of the events from American History. The Kennedy Assassination.

Kennedy was killed by the ninja. Don't laugh, I'm serious here! This is the real deal. The dictionary definition of "ninja" is UNSEEN ASSASSIN. No one saw the second gunman on that grassy knoll. Ninja are good at concealment. I.E. it was a ninja. No one came along and made up a rule that states ninja HAVE to wear black pajamas, fling throwing stars and rely on funny looking swords to take out their targets.

We will go into greater detail on this subject and how to prevent the pajama-wearing, bungholes from succeeding in implementing their evil plans later, for now lets just stick to the basics.


TWO. What does it mean if someone calls you a ninja or if you dub someone else to be one?


-If someone calls YOU a ninja, stop whatever it is you're doing! Your actions (whatever they may be) have tripped the danger sensors in the brain of another local member and you're in danger, not only of getting your ass handed to you, but of poisoning you mind and soul with some seriously BAD SHIT!

-There are many ways to pick up on the subtle signs that, regardless of their disguise, will betray the identity of someone engaged in acts of wickedness and subversive "ninja" behavior.

Examples would be:

Being narrow-minded, fake, cowardly, two-faced, self-centered, intolerant, hypocritical, lying, cheating, listening to boy bands, thinking anyone named "Brittany" is cool, liking the idea of being "just another face in the crowd", trying to justify actions you know to be wrong after the fact, having over inflated delusions of self-worth in the grand scheme of the cosmos, thinking pasta and potatoes belong in the same dish with one another, not knowing what band Joey R. (rip) was the lead vocalist for, LOVING that stupid "French" circus, caring more about your PET than your MATE, wanting to watch movies about "glitter rock" set in the 70's or listening to music performed by anyone named "Bolton, Hung or Jr."


THREE. What can you do to keep from becoming a pajama-wearing bunghole?


-The fact that you're reading this testifies that you want to make a change in your life and to have a positive effect in the world around you. This is a good thing. Ninja are absolutely EVERYWHERE in today's world. They've invaded and penetrated every level of society and don't care about race, creed, color, location or religion.

Nor should you!

Also, don't think you're alone. One of the main reasons behind this blog is to let local Gaijin Punk members know that there are others going through the same things they may have to deal with each and every day as well.

This will always be free.

There are no stupid questions. Any posts will be answered (unless posted BY ninja in which case we will find you through your ISP address and will notify members of the chapter in your area of your presence, you cowardly ninja dogs.)

If you want to fight and BEAT the endless ninja hoards in your area and halt their evil plan for world domination you must:

Know how to IDENTIFY, CONFIRM, and REACT.


Myself and other members of the Gaijin Punk family, over the course of the coming months, will help you gain the knowledge and tools to do just that.


Until next time, keep your eyes open, your senses sharp and just observe!

To fight ninja you must first know how to find them. Also do not attempt to confront any you see at random. Ninja are a cowardly lot and will band together if you take action before you are prepared and ready.


Until next time!