Monday, August 13, 2007

THE GAIJIN PUNK HANDBOOK (part two)

-Hello again, from the wilds of Ohio!
Due to an overwhelming response to part one of “The Gaijin Punk Handbook”, we’re going ahead with new postings!
In this section we’re going to cover something that, until now, we couldn’t reveal. Due to current events and changes in policy within various organizations, this information is finally going to see the light of day!

-HERE WE GO!-

In the previous post, we let you in on one of the best kept secrets in the world. That it’s actually ninja and “wanna-be” ninja that are actually the source of most of the pain, strife and suffering in the long and torrid history of modern man.

The definition of ninja is literally “unseen assassin”. In past times, yes they did wear silly looking pajamas, wield swords, fling throwing stars and kill via contract for whoever had enough wealth to purchase their brutal brand of services. The modern ninja however, isn’t dependent on just the simple weapons of their predecessors. Just as time has continued it’s unending advance, so have the tools and methods used by these pajama wearing dirt-balls become more modern. You’d better believe, just like any of you, ninja and their minions will use: firearms, electronics, explosives and any other tool they can get their hands on.

But here’s something the shadow sissies don’t want you to know.

There are actually two branches of ninja.

One is the kind you all know about. You know. Backstabbing, two-faced, lying, cheating, cowardly, namby-pamby, self-centered, douche-cake eating bungholes, who wouldn’t know what a moral was if someone slapped them upside the head with one and said ,“Look. This is a moral.”

The other branch isn’t nearly as well know as the kind the movies have glorified.
Believe it or not, there is a sect of those who practice the way of the ninja who care deeply about what happens in the world around them. Unlike their counterparts (those French-Canadian lurkers in the north. We know who you are..), they use their abilities to promote harmony, not to create pain and discord. In the last few months various members of this sect have provided, not only ironclad proof of their actions, but also given aid to newbie members of the Gaijin Punk family they’ve encountered at random. Those of you who were given benefit from the sudden and unexpected aid of these individuals, please hold to your agreement to protect their identities and keep your pie-holes shut. Unlike the Gaijin Punks they’re not ready to go public and have to work in secret (sometimes behind enemy lines, no less).

Now, some of you might be saying “That’s BULL$#!%!!! How can you be sure they’re not just setting you up??! Ninja are ninja!!!” Believe you us... There is no-o-o-o-o-o-o way that is the case. These people have been fighting their snail-eating, canuck cousins for a lot longer than the Gaijin Punks have. There’s some serious bad blood between the clans, lemme tell ya’.

Also, there have been a boatload of requests for a Q&A section. So, beginning next week, David, Hawk, Tia and Myself will reply to posts submitted by our members, newbies, potentials, and even the yet-to-be-convinced.

Note - David has gone on reserve status and has accepted an assistant professorship position in the mid-west. He’ll still be acting in the interests of the Gaijin Punk family, but his role will be more support and information based.

This is per his choice after the UTTER SPECTACLE caused in the downtown area, when Hawk convinced us to follow a pack of the balaclava-sporting, turd mongers back to their training academy below “Little Wang’s -House of Song and Sushi”.

The smoking, wreckage filled crater that resulted, was caused by the poor judgement of said turd-mongers and their use of an outdated self-destruct system that hadn’t been given a safety inspection (it seemed) since the start of the cold war. It was NOT caused by Hawk’s pea-brained taunting of David’s long-tailed, tree monkey Mr. Chibly. At no time did Hawk pull a BONEHEAD move and piss Mr. Chibly off causing said monkey to hit the big, bright, shiny, red, self-destruct button ,nearly killing the lot of us...

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

In the next posting, we’ll cover some of the basics you will need to use when you begin to actively observe your area for “ninja” activity.

Until next time, keep your eyes open, your Guinness close and if your tree monkey starts to jump around with an angry expression, watch out for flying poo...!

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