Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Gaijin Punk Handbook (post 3)




-Hello all!

-Welcome to the next installment of the “Gaijin Punk Handbook”.
In this post, we’ll cover some of the basic abilities you’ll need to develop, now that you’ve all taken the first steps on the road to becoming a member of the Gaijin Punk family.

-Here we go!!!

We know, we know. You’re all dying to run out and confront the pajama wearing fairies (ninja) right away, but take the time you need to attain these skills BEFORE you hop into the mix. (Take it from us,.) These are the bare bones that you need. We’ll get into the more advanced skills in future posts, but concentrate on these first!!! You’ll have fewer scars and your wallet will be much thicker because you won’t have all the expensive, unpleasant hospital stays to pay for...

-Skill One -Observation

Reason/Need-Ninja are sneaky little turd-mongers!
You better believe if you don’t have your eyes open, that if you’re not aware of your surroundings, you’re going to catch a blow-dart in the bung-hole!
You need to know:

1-Where the ninja like to group.

2-How many of them are there at the moment.

3-What are your resources.
-i.e. -supplies if any.
-location-in case you’ve underestimated their numbers and need to make a quick exit.
-the abilities of your fellow members-where you’re weak they should be strong. A well rounded group has a better chance of not screwing the pooch.

4-Where your “wingmen/wingwomen” are.
(NEVER, NEVER, NEVERNEVERNEVER try to confront them alone unless you’ve had a heck of a lot of practice first. Hawk and I have been at this for about four years, we’ve learned the hard way, “If you see one ninja, there are at least two more you don’t see.”)
Have at least one other member watching your back. If possible have a third watching theirs! Ninja are a cowardly lot and will run in packs of 3-9 when working their wicked schemes. Under no circumstance should you attempt direct confrontation alone. Doing so WILL result in one of three things:
1-a butt kicking.
2-your disappearance.
(Into a shallow ditch, a nearby sweatshop or some French-Canadian brothel where they think “you’ve got a perdy mouth”.
3-Your conversion into an agent of the evil ninja empire.
(Ninja are very adept at torture and brainwashing techniques. Such as tying you to a chair and making you listen to Iranian, bubble-gum, pop music while feeding you pickled beet and liver flavored ice cream.)

-Skill Two- Free association

Many times you’ll be caught without supplies or a support base where you can store anything you may need, so you will have to think on your feet. More often then not, the simplest objects can be used to save your ass.

Take for instance, a nacho chip.
(One of the triangular ones, not the useless circles. )

Don’t laugh stupid! If you throw one of those suckers like your flipping a playing card across the room, whoever your aiming for is going to duck! (For legal reasons, our lawyers tell us we have to, at this point, state that in no way do we condone throwing food at anyone’s face or body in general. Unless your throwing pudding at an exotic dancer... A hot one... Not the moo-moo of the “gentleman’s club”.)
This knee-jerk reaction on their part will give you a second or two to:
1- Close the distance between the two of you or

2-Take your front foot and use it to kick an oh-so-delicate part of their anatomy, causing yet another second or two for you to determine your next move or

3-Engage in the better part of valor if there are more then one of the pajama wearing sissies still upright and you don’t have any backup. (While you may not want to take this route, thinking that “real punks don’t run” we ask that you remember the afore-mentioned hospital visits and make your choice accordingly...)

-Skill Three - Adaptability

Unfortunately, this gig is not as simple as it looks.

VERY seldom, will you just run across a pack of these sissies, out and about at random, twirling their chop sticks (heh-heh), leaping from roof top to roof top without rhyme or reason looking for a fight. (Not saying it DOESN’T happen, just that it doesn’t happen OFTEN.)

More often than not, you won’t even realize the person you’re having the conversation with is a ass-sassin, until the goofy shit tries to recruit you into the evil empire.

Do not, we repeat, DO NOT FLIP OUT AND BEAT THEM SENSELESS! No mater how attractive that may seem at that moment, all that will do is get you a criminal record because you through the first punch. Take this opportunity instead, to glean as much information about the activities this poisoned-dart-flinging, butt-muncher is involved in for later review and use.
Then beg off, going to their weekly/bi-weekly, hate monger meeting because you “have to go pick your mom/dad/brother/sister/friend up at the dentist, and won’t be free until very late”.
This will enable you to remain free to not have your mind twisted by a truly pathetic, and socially skewered system of beliefs, but also keeps you in the loop as to what the honorless, ninja dogs are planning down the line.

Alright everyone, as promised, here’s our first Q&A section!

(For legal reasons, names or locations may have been changed to protect the innocent and stymie the guilty.)

Question from Paul in Chi-town:

Dear G-Punks,

What are the things I need to start watching Ninja activity in my neighborhood?

Answer:

Dear Paul,

Forget hi-tech electronics, forget binoculars, spy microphones out the window and all of that stuff. It’s all nice to have, but not really needed.

The first things you want to get are:
1- a pack of plastic point ink pens ( ball-points clog or run out at crappy times...)
2-a simple paper notebook or journal. (pocket or tabletop, doesn’t matter.)

Record activities around your home, look for patterns. Look for CHANGES in those patterns ,once you’ve established when certain things happen in the streets around you. Start with a square with your house at the center . Now walk one block, starting each time at your house, in all 4 directions. This will give you a four block square. ( Remember you have to walk the outside of the square as well! So each day you’ll be walking about 12 blocks all in all. This sounds like a lot but it can be done in just under an hour. Unless your towns/city’s blocks are flippin’ huge then cut your grid down to about a thousand yards on each side. That’s only about 300 steps so don’t whine.
After at least two weeks of observation, you’ll have a general idea of what happens or is supposed to happen during your ob-time.

That’s all for this week everyone!

Until next time, stay alert, keep your Guinness cold and listen if your tree-monkey is flipping out at three in the morning...
There could be a ninja at the window!